Nerdy Style

So with Christmas fast approaching, The Nerd and I have been invited to our fair share of Holiday parties. After this weekends incidents, I thought it was about time to discuss The Nerd’s choice of fashion. No, he does not have taped-up glasses and suspenders. However, there is a bit lacking in his fashion department.

 

His usual get-up is jeans, a college or band t-shirt and a pair of Sambas. And when I say usual, I mean rain or shine, hot or cold, hanging out or going out to dinner, sweltering or freezing. This dude wears the same thing year-round. And while this casual college-style wardrobe is fine for most days, it’s not appropriate for every occasion. Like my boss’s Holiday party, for example. The Nerd saw nothing wrong with wearing his bright aqua University of Tulsa club soccer t-shirt, complete with a giant plasticky-looking soccer ball on the front and a list of participating teams on the back. I tried to explain that this was not “nice-party” attire but to no avail. He did change. But quite begrudgingly and while grumbling, “it’s a par-ty. How is anything inappropriate?”

 

The Nerd does recognize a few situations when he should not wear his beloved t-shirts. However, he is at a complete loss as to what he should wear on these occasions. After many Skype dates of, “can I wear this with that?” I realized life might be easier if I just made sure all his nice clothes were interchangeable. At least he believes me when I say he can’t teach his classes in a brown tweed jacket and grey and red pinstriped pants. He may not understand why this is a fashion no-no, but he takes my word for it.

 

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A note to my readers

Okay so I haven’t kept up the whole updating twice a week thing. I apologize. But I run a very fine line with this blog: funny stories about my crazy fiance vs girl who uses her blog to bitch about her annoying fiance. I promise that I NEVER intend to sound like the latter, but the fear of doing so makes me second guess a lot of my posts. Thus, finding humorous topics that don’t make me sound like a witch isn’t always possible twice a week. Bare with me, I haven’t forgotten about this blog and will update as often as possible.

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Nerdy Issues

I don’t know if you’ve ever watched a movie with a nerd, but let me just warn you, it’s not always easy. The problem we run into most often is his inability to watch inaccurate science fiction. “This could never happen this way,” “That’s not how it works,” or my favorite, “That’s so fake” are just a few of the huffy comments I hear while watching these movies. We’re watching a movie about dragons, of course it’s fake! The Nerd however, needs movies to be completely accurate while assuming some impossible stuff is possible. How do you know what’s accurate, you ask? Well, The Nerd knows, and that’s all that matters. Magic in the movie is fine. But magic in the movie that is more powerful than it should be is incorrect.  Time travel is the biggest issue for The Nerd. Apparently, even though time travel is in itself impossible, there are rules a movie needs to follow in order to do it properly. Rather than attempting to explain The Nerd’s views myself, I thought I’d let him tell you how he feels. These are the two bad examples he references every time any movie or show has involves time travel.

 

Movies always get time travel wrong. Take for instance “Terminator”. The basic plot line is that (spoilers) a machine travels back in time in order to kill Sarah Conner, because her son, John Conner, leads the human resistance in the future and the terminator doesn’t want that to happen. Then Terminator 2 and 3 are more of the same, except the humans send protector robots back in time to keep John Conner alive. It’s absurd. Let’s imagine the logical necessity of the matter. If John lives into the future then the robots in the future are responding to the fact that he’s alive in the future. They respond by trying to kill him in the past. But if he already exists in the future then clearly the robots won’t be able to kill him in the past. But you respond saying, “but Russ, they are trying to change the past”. Well evidently you don’t understand time travel either. If the robot succeeds in killing John Conner in the past, then when the future time comes around and there is no John Conner, the robots won’t send an assassin back in time, as there is no adult John Conner that they want to get rid of. We arrive at a paradox in which if the assassin succeeds, then the conditions for the assassin existing never come to be. Thus the assassin must fail. Therefore our only conclusion is that robots are irrational or don’t understand the time space continuum? That seems rather bizarre. They’re robots for crying out loud. Bad all around.

Another example of a poorly used time travel device in films is in Harry Potter. Hermione comes across a necklace that let’s her go back in time. She is given this so that she can attend her classes because she has a hard schedule? First of all, a time travel device is an immensely powerful object. Giving it to an over achiever in school seems a tad irresponsible, but I digress. So she uses it, and in its use, the film seems okay. She travels back in time, but doesn’t really change anything, rather she just becomes a part of the present that they had already experienced. Yet, this should have created a doppelgänger scenario after the version of her that went into the past caught up to the future. If I went back to yesterday, and hung out with yesterday Russ, what would happen when we both went to sleep? We wouldn’t merge into one person or anything absurd like that. Instead we would simply both continue to exist.

But beyond the basic logic issues, there is an obvious story flaw. Why in the world would someone not keep this powerful object around for a time when it would be useful again, say when Voldemort starts murdering people? That’d be a really useful time to use it. Oh, you’re about to bring Voldemort back to life? No worries, I traveled back in time and stopped it. Thanks crazy necklace, millions of lives have been saved. You would like a bunch of powerful wizards could keep their eyes on a time traveling necklace.

And don’t give me this BS, “it was magic” defense. That’s just a cop-out. Why didn’t someone just make another one, you know, out of magic? Oh, magic doesn’t work that way? Magic has certain rules? Well evidently logical consistency isn’t one of them.

 

 

As I’m sure you can imagine after reading that lovely insight to the nerd brain, the argument, “this is strictly for entertainment purposes so don’t over-analyze it” most certainly does not work for The Nerd. Apparently things cannot be entertaining if they don’t follow the rules. Now I’m not okay with a character dying in one scene and being alive in the next with no explanation, but there are some things you just have to get on board with.  Like obviously, they couldn’t have continued to use the Time Turner in Harry Potter because that would have ended the series 3 books early and no one wanted that.

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Nerdy Logic

So the time has come for The Nerd and I to start registering for wedding gifts. We headed into what I believe to be the world’s most overwhelming Macy’s and are instantly dumbstruck by the 9 stories that take up a full square block.

ME: “Holy crap. I don’t even know where to begin”

THE NERD:   “It’s alright, I got this. Video game strategy go left!”

He said this so Intensely, like he really believed this was what HAD to be done, I almost hated having to point out the flaw with that plan.

ME: “But children’s clothing is to the left…”
The exasperated sigh that followed might as well have said “hooow did I end up with someone so poorly trained in video game etiquette?”

 

THE NERD: “If you always turn left, you’ll never get lost in a maze and you’ll never miss anything. You’ll eventually get through every area and will never hit the same one twice. I can’t tell you how many stellar items I’ve discovered by taking and extra 45 minutes to explore an unnecessary area. I mean sure, sometimes you don’t find anything. But you gotta take that risk just in case.

ME: So you want to walk through the children’s clothing department just in case someone stashed a quality gravy boat in the Hello Kitty section?”

 THE NERD: “I don’t WANT to go through the kids section. It’s just the responsible thing to do. Like this one time, I was playing Dark Souls and found this hidden passageway that lead to this enchanted forest. Now, I didn’t have to go through it because it wasn’t part of the main storyline. And I didn’t really want to because doing anything in this game basically means death -have I told you about this game? It’s supposed to be one of the hardest games ever created. Near impossible. It’s amazing… 

ME:  Babe, focus.

THE NERD: Right. Sorry. So anyway, I knew going through this door would probably mean that I would die and I could lose all my stuff. But I HAD to see what was through it. Well I found an area where I could help a little town by attacking thrives and I got to keep all the loot I found. Yeah, it was hard. But it was so worth it. You wouldn’t believe the armor I found. It has a…

This is where I finally had to interrupt and point out that we were still standing in the doorway at Macy’s. I took a deep breath and headed left for what was sure to be a very long day.

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The Rules

Last week, The Nerd and I ventured to Richmond for my fabulous family Thanksgiving. This is one glorious weekend filled with wine, board games, eating, wine, books and some wine (with some Jameson for the men). Which roughly translates to a lot of drunken yelling over board games while snacking on Thanksgiving leftovers every evening.  While this is an environment that I thrive in, it is most definitely not the natural habitat of The Nerd.  He does love board games, but these are the ones he would never take a second glance at (read: Pictionary & Taboo vs Settlers of Catan & Diplomacy). So I knew that he would not be loving our game nights, but figured he would be okay playing non-thought provoking games with lesser minds for a few days. There was just one teensy, tiny little thing I forgot to factor in: THE RULES. As you might guess, when you have fifteen drunken people sitting around a table screaming about catch-phrase, the rules are not *quite* top of mind. People use their hands, guess for the other team, switch players in the middle, etc. It’s a bit of a madhouse.  Well, this behavior rendered The Nerd momentarily speechless. Have no fear, he was back to himself rather quickly and immediately demanding to know what rules we had set in place for the game. After a moment of stunned silence by my somewhat intoxicated family the conversation went something like this:

 

FAMILY:          “Oh, don’t worry about the rules, we just play to have fun.”

THE NERD:     “You can’t have fun without any rules.”

FAMILY:          “Yes you can, jut relax and enjoy it.”

THE NERD:     “Oh really? Well let’s say I just move my character to the end of the board and declare myself the winner.”

FAMILY:          “Well… you can’t do that.”

THE NERD:     “Because THE RULES say I can’t. Rules are necessary for an enjoyable game. Maybe next time we play catch-phrase I’ll just tell my team what the word is and pass it on.”

FAMILY:          “But that wouldn’t be any fun.”

THE NERD:     “EXACTLY! A game is only fun to the extent that there are rules.”

 

What could anyone say to that? Of course we wanted some rules. We just realized no amount of yelling would prevent my aunt from using her hands in catch-phrase and we didn’t care if people switched teams mid-game. So everyone mumbled in agreement and tried to follow the rules for a few minutes. But our lack of dedication meant that all promises of rule-following were forgotten within five minutes and all was back to normal. The Nerd, flabbergasted as he was, put on a good face and continued to play. But I bet he never missed his friends and a game of Diplomacy more.

 

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The Nerdy Costume

I realize I’m a tad late for a Halloween post, but seeing that I haven’t blogged since July, the post itself was way overdue and I figured the topic could be forgivable. So I give you Halloween with a Nerd:

With comic book movies doing so well right now, you would think he could easily choose a costume that the general public would find not just acceptable, but dare I say, cool.  And my response to you would be…not so much. It’s almost as if the cool status of certain super heroes makes them less appealing to the Nerd. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to fit in. Anyway, when the subject of Halloween was broached, we were not seeing eye to eye. After many shrugs and grunts about my suggestions, I apprehensively asked what he would like to be. He got all excited talking about the best costume he ever had: The Monarch. What is the Monarch you ask? Well, it’s the villain in a cartoon called the Venture Brothers.  So okay, he wanted to be a cartoon character that’s not too bad. You would think. However, this is not just a “bad guy.” He happens to be a giant…evil…. butterfly. That’s right, my fiancé’s favorite costume was of a cartoon butterfly. I immediately realized I had to say good-bye to the images of sexy sailor costumes swimming through my head and count myself blessed that he had chosen this costume before I actually had to claim him in public.

Feast your eyes on

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My Mistake

I thought that this summer’s mass amount of comic book movies would mean lots of good times for me and my nerd. There’s no denying that comic books are nerdy, but these movies make them pretty awesome. I mean, after last summer, who doesn’t think Iron Man kicks ass?

So I thought I’d give the nerd a nice surprise and take him to a movie he would love: Green Lantern (his favorite superhero and the inspiration for my blog wallpaper).  I made a big mistake. While I thought it was a pretty cool movie, he was quite gloomy about it. A couple of times throughout the movie I heard an exasperated whisper, “That’s not how it happens. Come on! Green Lantern would never say that.”  By the time we left, he had taken on a look of silent desperation.  I timidly asked how he liked the movie, shocked by his lack of enthusiasm. I might as well have asked him about his dead dog. He was so dejected, “comic book movies are always depressing because they never have the proper storyline, hire appropriate actors or portray the hero’s powers accurately. It’s like they wrote a new story and thought they would get more people to see it by dressing the main character like Green Lantern.” We got home and I, still very confused as to how a movie about his favorite superhero had left him depressed, suggested we play a video game. He mumbled something about “alone time” and “the real Green Lantern” and went to commiserate the movie fail with his comic books.

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